Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Randomize
