Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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