i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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