Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Randomize
