He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
