wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
