I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
