the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
This couple is walking their pig around campus
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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