HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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