WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
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