So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
