I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Just cropdusted the office
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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