She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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