**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
