You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize