I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
