That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
