I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I fill condoms, not promises.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Randomize
