If that was your dad, he is hot
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
