Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
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