sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
