Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
