I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
