She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Randomize
