I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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