I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Randomize
