How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
