Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Randomize
