trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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