Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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