You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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