kristin has been a bad kristin
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
