did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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