I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
ugly people sure do ruin things
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
