It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
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