Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
