I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Is Oprah even human
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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