When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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