put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
