Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
