Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
