My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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