i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize