I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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