Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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