ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Randomize
