I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
