1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Dicks are not precious.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
