im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
