Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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