its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
