benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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