I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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