I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
BRING THE BAGELS
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
