I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
