Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
my liver is dry heaving
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize